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IDEA 030: Can’t Elope

How am I already at idea number 30. Am I old or something? :O

One day I’ll be on idea 300 and look back and wonder why I didn’t label my blogs as 0030 instead of 030.

This is a followup idea to one of my previous blogs. Remember IDEA 003: honeydo? The app that works as a to do list between couples? Well this app is by the same app dev company, mybadideas. It also uses a melon pun, because melons make you melonaires $$$$$.

c o n c e p t:

Have you ever been in a toxic romantic relationship? One where they call you up in the middle of the night or text you out of the blue “wyd”? One where you can’t remember the amount of times you’ve told your friends you were “done” with this person.

To sum up this type of relationship I present you with the following meme:

So how do we combat this problem? How do we stop texting back?

p r o d u c t:

Can’t Elope is THE app that prevents you from going back to that fuccboi/girl. So how does this app work?

All you have to do is insert the person’s name when the app starts up (note that you can add multiple people to this list):

The app will now run in the background of your phone (of course you need to enable this, we respect your privacy but we respect your dignity more than that).

From now on I will refer to the person as “mofo” to include anybody and everybody instead of writing he/she.

When this mofo texts you, the app will be notified and send you an alert “Did this mofo really just text you? DON’T DO IT!” If you try to swipe open the message, the app will keep yelling at you, “DON’T DO IT HAVE SOME DIGNITY.” Once you open the message, as you type the app will automatically deem all your words as a typo and suggest the following phrase, “leave me alone you e$$hole.”

Not only will the app work for messages but it will block you from accessing any of their social media. The minute you type in their name and click enter a new notification will pop up, “ARE YOU REALLY GOING DOWN THIS RABBIT HOLE AGAIN?” and other messages to remind you to stop holding onto the nothing that is your relationship. You even think about trying to access their instagram and a post will go, “YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS MOFO HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIFE WITHOUT YOU? RESPECT YOURSELF.”

You may think that you can bypass this app, but just like how when you say the word serious” near your phone and somehow Siri just magically turns on. Can’t Elope will be listening to you all the time, we are like the NSA (omg please don’t say I’m on their watch list now that I’ve written about them on my blog) but we help you stay away from these mofos ruining your life. If we even hear you say “Shelby” or “Melvin” we won’t hesitate to use Siri’s creepy voice to say, “ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT MOFO AGAIN?”

Perhaps you’re scared of your privacy with this app but maybe you should also be scared of your emotional instability and insecurities that keep pulling you towards this mofo. We aren’t the villains here, this mofo is.

So download us and give us a good rating, because just like big brother we are watching you. JKJKJKJK

We are watching you to make sure you don’t end up back with that mofo, “DON’T DO IT HONEY! YOU GUYS CAN’T ELOPE.”

…and yes I did recycle the honeydo logo and replaced it with cantaloupe colours.hehehehehe.

Published in Idea Product Uncategorized